Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Destructive Behaviour

In July, grandson and girl friend had their child taken by the grandson's parents, because of their continued drug use and neglect. Since then, Ministry of Children and Family Development has taken the toddler into care and a permanent placement with the grandparents is pending.  The biological parents do not contribute financially and have basically ceased any responsibility.

The girl friend has a history of addiction to methamphetamines.  This results in her being awake all night and asleep all day, unable to provide for her child's needs.  MCFD social workers have asked her to get treatment, but cannot force her to do it.  The response of the grandson and girl friend is denial, avoidance, and hostility. Although we've been careful not be accusatory and to be as supportive as we can, they now avoid us.

In April, the girl friend totaled their car in a four-car collision.  Both have lost their jobs.  They've lost supervised visiting rights with their child at the MCFD office, because they are unable to stay awake.   

Complicating this is that the girl friend's Mother is a drug user, as was her father, who died of drug use.  Instead of providing support for her daughter, the Mother also denies the drug use.  The daughter's response, "If I got treatment, my Mother wouldn't speak to me!"

Now the girl friend is pregnant again.  The downward spiral continues.

I don't think this story is very unusual.  A disturbing aspect is that it is generational.  Intervention is needed, but in our society, there is no one to provide it.  You are not required to be married to have children; or to accept direction; or to get treatment for your problems.  Eventually you lose your friends and family, your place to live, and your health.  This in a society which offers so much, but is unable to limit destructive behaviour.      

   

7 comments:

  1. So, who's going to take care of this child?

    What about the treatment for the parents? Could these people also be suffering from depression? I can't help but wonder how much it takes to remain at least functional enough to provide adequate child care?

    But I know children need much attention. I have a small daughter. She goes to pre-school for half the day (my wife works afternoons and evenings). The preschool provides high level attention: English and Chinese classes, PE, painting, dance, music, etc. When I watch her in the evenings, I give her around 75 percent of my time, and yet she presses for more. My down time is when she takes a bath and the 30 minutes of cartoons she's allowed to watch.

    Come to think of it, I can't imagine what a child does throughout the day while Mom is passed out. The chances of getting into mischief must be great.

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  2. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the preschool is expensive, probably around US$6000 a year. If the parents are not functional, meaning at work, this is probably not an option.

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  3. The grandparents take care of the child. They employ a sitter to look after him while they are at work.

    I believe that both parents are depressed, and that the depression drives more drug use.

    When the Mother is asleep, the baby is either confined in the crib or playpen (or, when younger, kept in bed with her).

    The parents can't afford daycare. It's questionable whether they can support themselves. I'm not sure the Mother is employable.

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  4. "When the Mother is asleep, the baby is either confined in the crib or playpen (or, when younger, kept in bed with her). The parents can't afford daycare. It's questionable whether they can support themselves. I'm not sure the Mother is employable."

    That is pretty sad; it sounds like the child wasn't really wanted. Having said that, he'll have to get on in the world without the assistance of his parents; there is a lesson in independence here that can be learned, one that is valuable, so he doesn't lose out completely. Plus, if he's introspective, he'll learn from the mistakes of his parents, as we all do, from generation to generation.

    I checked with my wife. She said preschool is more like US$7000 to 8,000, once you toss in the extras like food and field trips (she works in a preschool, so she knows this kind of thing better than me). That's for Taiwan, which is slightly cheaper than Canada in general terms. On the other hand, Asians are known to invest in education like nobody else on the planet - so basically everyone in Taiwan, or at least Taipei, is at a preschool from early on (actually, this is a very nuanced topic - it deserves much more time). Maybe the cost is more here.

    This is sad in the terms of the child won't get what others do, either financially or emotionally. On the other hand, maybe he gains something from a tough childhood that gives him the upper hand later on. I know what you're saying though. Parents need to be better, more responsible, individuals once they commit to procreation. They have to get their shit together, tell themselves that they have to give (up a lot of) their previous shenanigans.

    Anyway, I really hope you look out for him a bit too.

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  5. The other grandson has a four-year-old and a two-year old in preschool. It costs $800 a month for each. The four-year-old is already spelling and reading. This is obviously out of reach for many families, unless both parents work and have good jobs (education).

    The gap between these two families is pretty great, particularly in terms of perceiving what is necessary to succeed. One got education, employment, and marriage before they started a family. The other is lost about anything having to do with investing in or planning for the future.

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  6. It's interesting too in that the generational gap will continue to widen. Since our kids were born we've deposited their national child tax credits into RESPs so they will have options open to them as young adults. Our goal is for our kids to have it better than us (and we didn't have it that bad!).
    We've always maintained that we'll take the little guy if this turns into forever, but I don't know where we're at if they keep having babies. That really changes the game.

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  7. The other grandson has a good, normal parental heart. I like this kind of attitude and effort. This is the way to go. The payback comes in raising healthy and happy kids. You're right to call the former grandson on his lack of responsibility. You should call him out, absolutely.

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