I visited with my sister-in-law (or maybe my ex-sister-in-law) yesterday. She was married to my brother for forty-two years, but they separated in 2007 and later divorced. They had four children, all grown, and now scattered in different locations, none nearby. She lives alone in a small two-bedroom apartment in an adjoining municipality.
I don't know if anyone's life unfolds as they expected it too. We end up living in different locations, having careers that we sometimes fall into more than plan, with partners who came along at the right time. Relationships are built on fulfilling one another's needs, sometimes held together by a sense of commitment, obligation, or simply convenience. Even when you've been together a long time, the relationship is vulnerable.
My sister-in-law and I talked about what older people often do, our histories, family members no longer with us, things we remember more than plans for the future. We discussed her Mother and Father, her younger brother who died suddenly last year, some of my family members. (I don't discuss her relationship with my brother or his new life.) We also discussed whatever small plans she has (her patio garden, decorating), her health, her old friends (and any new ones she might be making), how she gets around, whether she's able to get the things she needs. Her knees are bad and she has some trouble walking distances. She's lost weight, which she attributes to giving up junk food. She says that she suffered a nervous breakdown after the separation, and I wonder whether she's fully recovered. She says that she has unlimited, free long distance calling and talks to her children; but she's not active on the internet and I wonder why.
Getting older can be a little sad, not always the "golden years" that we hope for. Some people cope with it fairly well, as long as their health holds up. With others, you worry.
This sounds pretty sad. Maybe her relatives have a bitch of a hard time in getting over some of the stuff she has done in the past? It's hard to speak for the bunch, though. There is, like my wife often says in trying to realize family dysfunction, a shadow over most of us from being involved in a family. But I know I can't speak for them regarding this, even if I agree.
ReplyDeleteI only have one offspring. In every communication we have, I realize things could come around and bear on me someday. This concept serves to temper my harshest and most reactionary emotions. It is extremely sobering. I am always aware that I need to treat this little human with respect and to give her, or at least to try, empathy. Giving her a voice is important to me because I never had one growing up, and this has always been something that annoyed me. Actually, it has cast a shadow, like my wife likes to say, for better or worse, over me.
This is an interesting post. You have a grounded sense and much objectivity in your writing, and you seem have a warm, caring heart too.
I think everyone has some issues from their childhood. Parents need to realize that children are not adults, are vulnerable physically and psychologically, and it's their job to nurture and teach in an intelligent, supportive, and loving way.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, parents have psychological issues as well, can't always be wise, and their children should develop insight as they mature into why their parents are the way they are, and not judge too hard.
"On the other hand, parents have psychological issues as well, can't always be wise, and their children should develop insight as they mature into why their parents are the way they are, and not judge too hard."
ReplyDeleteAgreed.